Blogging again

The last blog was almost an year ago on 25 june...

Before that I used to login to put some of my thoughts into the blog as a snapshot of my feeling at that moment.

So a whole year passed and I didn't even thought of blogging.. WHY?
What happened today that I thought and even executed it?

I think an year ago, I got into the company I always dreamed of. I was learning what I wanted to learn. I was doing what I wanted to do. I was in my hometown living with my parents as I always wanted to. I was with my friends meeting with them occasionally and had a good time.

All this made me feel so "complete" that I even thought of settling and getting married!

Well, so this could be a reason why I never thought of blogging again as the feelings were so good and I was always so enlightened that I never felt to record those feelings in the blog...

If plaintive feelings made me to blog, so am I lugubrious today as well?

Well maybe or maybe not - I maybe in pensive mood because I'd shifted to Noida last month and somehow the vacuocity of the room reminds me of the "completeness" I used to feel at home.

The flavours of these kind of "only me" feelings aren't new to me. Lets get into out time-machine and getting going backwards...

When I was at Kota, monthly or bi-weekly, I used to taste these, no matter how bitter they maybe.

During my stay at Kota, this bitterness became far stretched in search of anecdote, sometimes I used to just get out, catch an auto and leave for home catching a train. That was in itself a different story. Now I don't want to travel even in busses as they are overcrowded. At that time, I used to go to ticket counter, take a General ticket, then got in sleeper on any empty RAC and used to pay the TC the remaining amount. I don't think I can do that as of now.
If anything substantially affected me, it was my 6 months stay at Kota. I can never forget those days. It was not as if the stay there was torturous, but I had never been exposed to that kind of a reality. I had to complete most of the task myself. I'd never understood before that what responsibilities were .

Just like today, at Kota I used to have a lot of free time and when there is so much of time for yourself, you introspect and retrospect. At that time, I didn't had a laptop with me and so I didn't blogged. But still, when there is no-one to share the "so-personal" feelings, you have to find a way to vent them out. And so I used to find a piece of paper and start writing them down.
By the end of my stay, I had compiled a good collection of 10 or 15 notes.

Recently, I discovered that I could make/ compose short poems/shayari very quickly. I guess this was one of the many "by-products" that the 6-month stay provided me.

Now that we have started a journey in reverse gears, lets move a few more years back. As a student, I was never very good. Above averge maybe, but not the toppers that everyone wanted to be. At that time, the study for me meant a laborious task and I was only a labor who had to toil in atleast 2 hours daily to earn his daily hour of computer games.

It was back in 1996 when I got a PC for myself. At that time, I didn't knew what I had in my hands was something that was going to be my destiny. Within no time, I was an expert at DOS programming and could actually write and make sense of FoxPro Codes written by my father. Now for a child of age 10 years, this was prodigial and precocious.

So the wage I used to get for studing was that I could play PC games and go outdoor with my childhood friends to play games like "ooch-meech ak papra" and all. I remember that in those there used to be two attractions in the video games segment. First was the Sega gaming consoles, the one that I never had and the other used to be the PCs. So I had the then popular DOS games like Dangerous Dave, pacman, prince of persia... I still remember that it took me almost a month to get par Level 5 in Dave. All those jetpacks (Alt) and Guns (Ctrl) defined my sources of fun. At that time, when other children used to be mischievous, I was quiet as a stone and so self-composed that my mother was always worried about my mental health! The time progressed and changes started to affect me as well. Slowly the pressure to perform and excel in studies forced me to be more concentrated on the books. It's sometimes painful to see that the only criteria for the parents and teachers to decide the astuteness and mental abilities of a child are through the percentage he gets. Its been my attribute that I cant get along well with the things that don't entice me, but then I'm a master in the things that I find attracting. The syllabus in the preliminaries was never "logical" and was mostly something I call as a reference. So to mug up these references and spit them out in answer-sheet never made sense to me. Yes, even today I don't want to be caught in a situation where I am no more that a "mnemonic" machine.BREAK!

So in the 4th std itself, my overly concerned parents found a tutor for me. And I used to take daily tutoring classes at 4-5pm after school. The trend continued for many years. I was good in Maths and Science even then, but the percentage depended on Literature subjects like hindi and English as well. There was nothing in those syllable that intellectually challenged me. Albeit, today it's a necessity to be good in English :(.

Rules and regulations made me to go in a defensive mode where a cryst surrounded the cognitive engine in my brain. I never wanted to think beyond what's already there till advent of 7 th std. It all started with the breaking of Science into physics, chemistry and biology at that time. The physics caught my attention. The flow of heat, bending and refracting of light, creation of rainbow and other principles of mother nature had my attention. In chemistry the effect of temperature and pressure on states of materials and how did it affected them made an affinity bond with me as well. I was slowly breaking the crust and letting the thinking and cognitive engine start again. The fuel for this engine was the study material and content that I used to get. Instantly I could predict what could be the next excerpts from the book. Slowly the tutor was amazed to see the clarity of my thinking process and assured the parents that I had a sound knowledge of the basics and was good at logic reasoning. And then in consecutive three years, I'd baggd top 3 postions in the class! From being to nowhere in top 20s till 6th std, I was amongst the toppers. Alas! my parents took a long time to find the peculiar qualities the nature instilled in me.

Prior to class 7th and after 3rd class, somehow I had started to hate field activities and never went out to play. Somehow after 7th, my interest in playing started to re-develop and I started going out again. I made good friends along and by the 9th class, I was usually made the cricket captian of our Apt. So 7th to 9th was a renaissance for me and the revival was all good. So far there were no obligation on me to perform well. But then I entered the 10th std, the over-hyped boards exams, 10-12 hrs of study, 95% of marks to get good stream and all the associated rubbish started to haunt me. I lost a track of the things once again and just felt the pressure. Somehow after these experiences, I can positively state that the human mind has some kind of defensive method where it blocks the thinking and cognitive engine. All I felt was the pressure to perform and succeed, I again had lost the interest I had developed in those past 3 years and affinity was almost dissolved by the caustic pressure of expectation.

The same trend continued in the 11th and 12th and I failed with equal consistency.
The C++ programming language seemed so frightening to me in those days when I had mastered Foxpro and Qbasic in 3rd. IT certainly seems odd. The more wayward thing is that in 11th-12th days, I didn't even remember that I'd mastered QBasic or Foxpro. The Thinking and logic reasoning engine in my brain was simply broken down! Programming requires good amount of application, but at that time it was simply not there! I'd once again lost it! The so involving Physics seemed to be daunting to me that I had constantly failed in the subject. Even today, I can't figure out that how could I not catch up with the so logically structured physics?

Even the derivatives and integrals were so difficult for me to follow. I remember that I'd tried my best to get hold on these subjects, but mymind was simply not performing to the expectations. Again there was this haunted JEE pressure. And so I failed to click either of these in the exam and had no "good" choice left.

So I went to Kota (a true Mecca for me), it shaped me once again in every respect. I think it was in my best interest that I had dropped and more importantly went to Kota. It was a landmark in my life and value the learnings deeply.

The amazing thing that happened to me at Kota was that my cognitive engine in brain was working and was more powerful than ever before. Immediately after the exams were over, I turned on the PC and just returned to programming for FUN. Yes, somehow I found programming to be fun now. Given that I'd not touched any programming related questions/text at Kota, I couldn't have Built a parser to draw graphs on any trignometric or exponential function, or calculate the integral of a function between 2 points or find a tangent to any arbitrary function at any point. Yes, I make sense in the programming and make the complex Data Structures work for me immediately. This isn't something that I'd expected to occur. It was something that helped me understand myself thoroughly.
I like to work and do the most challenging work that involves logic and application of mind, but I can't work if something that is to be done "by norms of a being" nad just for the sake of it.

The four golden years spent at college made me learn, that the knowledge is the true friend and to gain knowledge you have to be humble, behave foolish and be greedy for it. Just doing that and loving it!

This has also helped me in deciding to let-go off MBA, when every one around is/or will be an MBA. The tremendous pressure from parents/relatives/friends to go for MBA vacillated my mind but as with the circuits, after some attenuation, I attained that quiescent point that I am a person driven by excitement and curiosity rather than the social norms and standards. I believe in setting your own standards and expectations rather than following what others had set for themselves.

Good to be back again! Just love this blogging phenomenon, my haven to vent out he feelings..

its good to be me!!!!

yupee the day was to be lived for.Suddenly some random, now real wierd thoughts , dont pour into my mind, its only the positive vibes. the only thing at this time i wish is for the sustainability of these vibrant moments.

Life seems to be so goooood!!!

Today I recd the final call from MG, Noida confirming the status of my selection. With a whooping handsome "import pkg::*', it was a delight living the day. All the worries have just vanished. I am glad and thats enough for the day!!!!!!!

Some unanswered questions...

There are a few questions which always trickle my mind:::

1. Work, money and passion .....
Make work your religion?
or
Make passion your work?
or
Work for Money?
or the most important aspect :::
Make money your passion???

I am always stuck in a situation like this where a un-intentional comparison is always made between my not-so-low income and my cousins' not-so-high income. I am always forced to think that why is it that the only thing that matters in life is not so specious "Money" but infact its actually the "Difference" you are able to create.

I always realise justone thing : Its not important to earn well... but its important to be earning significantly high in your living group/society. No matter whatever you earn, but what you earn should be enviable in your society.

Today since my family is not dependent on my earnings, I favour this side, but tomorrow who knows... I believe the only truth about human feelings that has not changed is the enviousness.

Oh Goodness! Time , can't thou stand by and wait for me?

10 years passed away in a swift. I stood by dreaming -back in 2000 - of the present time. Each memory in the midst, so carefully collected somewhere in my mind that now I wish that there could be a way to dump and secure these memories which are vulnerable to Time itself.

Returning back to the year when new millennium started , the year Y2k - I clearly remember I was in my eight standard. On Dec 31 1999, as the world welcomed the new year, I was sitting aat my old home, watching that time's famous J.Lo's "Waiting for tonight". That video had been started such that at the ending of the video, when the DIGITAL clock turns down to 00.00.00, the feared Y2K bug, as anticipated, also turns down without much effect worldwide.

When I was in eight std, 13 yrs of age, I had gained all the knowledge and street smartness necessary to face the world. Ten years down the line, all I had accumulated above those are a few experiences.

I thought of writing all this when I today heard my old fav song - "Nachengi Saari Raat Soniyo Ve" by Stereo Nations released back in 2000. At that time, whenever I heard this song, it sent good vibes within me. Not before this song, had I ever taken interest in music. Today just the same happened- I was worried regarding something, but as the song sprang up from a Function outside, I just felt the same enthusiasm I used to have back in 2000.

If I compare that Life is like a mountain, then for me the intial slope , somehow was more steep of mountain than the latter. Its 'coz in initial years, I gathered tools for climbing and used them as well. But now it seems as if no more "NEW" tools are required, as those previously gathered tools seem to be enough.

I just wonder, if something is going wrong at this point of time - in the intial 14 years , if I learnt 100 things, then in the last 10 years, I hardly learnt 10. Exponentia is in nature - this was one of those 10 things I learnt later - comes here too! And so its worrysome but if the trend continues, in exponential order, then I will learn hardly a thing or two in later 10 years or so.

Einstein, if at all you read this, please negate your your theories. Just as speed of light corresponds to time and like no object, whatsoever mass, can never surpass speed of light, so in no way can we revert back time. But since "Nothing' is stationary in this world, so one day "Time" will definitely become both this "Nothing" and nothing at all. Just waiting fot that day. I hope the countdown has begun. Any clues to where the counter is right now??

some of the funniest answers... How would have my teachers reacted ti these??? lol!!

human Adaptation For Its existence and how this adaptation defeats the same purpose

We all know, Darwin's theory of "Survival of the Fittest". Well, this can be derived somewhere from the roots of the human body and habits to adapt to different conditions. Had this adaptability been absent, we all would have been still in the same primitive forms that had existed around 5 billion years ago.
We have been always changing ourselves physically and mentally, by giving different weightage to organs whose function is determined by conditions. The most plausible example is our brain. earlier like the BIG CATS, our brain used to occupy a small region in our skull and most of the space was filled with strong muscular filaments that enabled us to chew and churn out the raw flesh. But with time, we cooked the food, the haard proteins present emollified and there was no need for these muscular jaws anymore. Now, that we think we have been transformed into the most intelligent species in this world, building up computers and artificial neural networks, which are made up of interconnecting artificial neurons (programming constructs that mimic the properties of biological neurons), slowly with time - the future generations may be 100 years down the line will not require such a strong functioning of mind. Most of their work, as anticipated by all, will be done by machines made by us.

Having stated the fact that our body functions as per the requirement of time and conditions, aren't these kind of modifications a precursor to the good times ahead? So is there anything like the good times or the bad times? When the times are bad, we transform ourselves accordingly and adjust to requirements of time that , I think, make us feel it good. At the same level of argument, when the times are good, we let loose those acquired talent (the modifications) and once again enter the BAD phase. So this is something circularatory in behaviour and keeps comming and going.
Expressing mathematically, Life is just a circle --- whose coardinates are given by (r * cos (W), r * sin(W)), where W is the time and r is our capacity to hold on to the acquired modifications. The larger the area of this circle, the more we have achieved in the phase of a lifetime!